Making Friends in Adulthood

Maintaining close friendships is an important part of life, no matter what stage you are in. As children we make friends almost instantaneously and with everyone around us. That uninhibited drive to meet our peers often wanes as we get older and life gets busier.

While children are free to devote their weekends and summers to play dates, adults have more pressing matters – work, spouses, kids, pets, aging parents, and a seemingly endless array of tasks to complete. Often times, maintaining friendships is not top on our list of priorities, and relationships that are not being tended to fall by the wayside.

The motivation to reach out and create new friendships as an adult may stem from several areas. You may be new to a city, just have ended a long term relationship, or you are focused so much on your long-term love relationship that you have neglected and lost friendships. Whatever your motivation, here are several suggestions to get you started.

Be consistent in your efforts.

Keep in mind, perseverance is paramount when it comes to meeting new people. So don’t get discouraged when your first or second attempt does not produce desired results.

Get through the resistance.

All your issues around being lovable or likeable are bound to come up. It’s shocking how strongly those old high school social fears arise once we put yourselves in the position of being vulnerable to new people. Pushing through the resistance is important, and if it feels unbearable, seek professional support to help you get through it.

Be vulnerable and transparent.

If you watch young kids play you will see just how vulnerable they allow themselves to be. Showing how you feel and saying what you want and don’t want are very important. It allows others to get to know you, and by doing so, puts you on the path to deep and meaningful connections.

Join a club or volunteer.

I’ve heard people say, “Where else can I meet people other than work, bars, or churches?” Immersing yourself in a group activity you enjoy is an ideal way to meet like-minded people. What is an interest of yours that you have always wanted to pursue but haven’t yet? You could join your neighborhood walking club, volunteer at a local animal shelter, or take part in a workshop or training. Here are some places to start looking: www.meetup.com , www.craigslist.org , www.spiritrock.org, or the Commonwealth Club of California.

Make seeing your friends a priority.

Times goes by very quickly when you don’t stop and make time for your friends. Set up a weekly time when you and your friends can meet for coffee, walk your dogs, or take in a movie together. Maintaining the friendship, after all, is just as important as making new ones.

COPYRIGHT (C) 2008 SEVIN PHILIPS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

What’s your story?

Most of us walk around with beliefs or ‘stories’ about what other people think of us. A story is an assumption about what someone else thinks or feels about you that you don’t actually know to be true. “He doesn’t like me,”… “She is angry at me,”… or “He doesn’t think I’m good enough” are all examples of negative stories. These stories are carried around for days, weeks and even years causing pain and suffering in our lives.

Reflect upon your relationship with a lover, friend or family member. Do you have a negative story about how someone thinks or feels about you? How do you know it is true? Have you ever asked that person if it is true? If that person was indeed angry at you, how do you know they still feel that way? Often times we use information gained through reading other people’s behavior or indirect comments made in passing as proof to support our negatives stories.

Negative stories can be dispelled by opening up a dialogue with the other person. This direct approach takes a lot of courage and can be difficult at first. Many find that they are very attached to their story or belief. In the end you might find relief to know that your story was in fact only make-believe and that the other person doesn’t feel that way at all. On the other hand, if you learn from the other person that your stories are true, you now have the opportunity to work things out. Either way you are working towards releasing the weight of these negative assumptions and beliefs.

The practice outlined in this newsletter is about creating honest relationships. Albeit difficult at first, your direct approach invites others to be direct with you. Some people will appreciate this honest intent in your relationship and grow with you. Others may not be ready. The question is, “How do you want to live your life?”

COPYRIGHT (C) 2008 SEVIN PHILIPS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

You Are Responsible For Your Own Happiness

You may feel unhappy in your current situation. Perhaps you are waiting or wanting a person to change and believe if this happens you will be happy. It is true that people may impact how you feel. However, when you rely on someone else to change in order for your happiness to occur you may be giving up the power to change your own life.

There is nothing inherently wrong with waiting or wanting someone to change. Just remember you are ultimately responsible for our own happiness or unhappiness – so it makes absolutely no sense to blame your unhappiness on others or expect others to make you happy.

If your happiness is hinging on someone else, start by creating changes that you can affect. Remind yourself that you have a choice in all your daily events. You are the only one who is responsible for your happiness.

COPYRIGHT (C) 2008 SEVIN PHILIPS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Codependency Redefined: Why do I lose myself in a relationship?

There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. In the past, the word codependence was over used, becoming a definition for a person who is weak, passive and needy in relationships. To the contrary codependent behavior is an attempt to manage your environment and relationships in order to feel safe and in control. Co-dependency is a general term; it represents an entire range of feelings, beliefs and behaviors.

The main characteristic is a big focus on another person. This is usually your loved one – spouse, significant other, lover, boyfriend or girlfriend. You might be saying, “What is the big deal about focusing on the one you love?” Nothing is wrong with giving your attention, time and love to someone else. However, this behavior becomes unhealthy when you forgo your own needs and desires in the relationship. Hence relationships are give and take, so when you give and give without receiving you are setting yourself up for unhappiness.

Typically, a co-dependent comes from a family where they could not get their emotional needs met. Co-dependence is a life strategy designed to find the love we need in unsafe, difficult or unavailable relationships.

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. If you identify with these characteristics please explore the resources provided below.

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never “good enough.”
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.

Compliance Patterns:
I have difficulty in saying ‘no’
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in unhealthy situations too long.
I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and I rarely express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:
I withhold my feelings and thoughts in order to navigate a difficult situation
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.

Here are the steps for recovery.

Go for help. A reputable therapist or a recovery group is a very important tool here, because others can help you see your own co-dependent behavior and attitudes in ways you may not see yourself. Co-dependents Anonymous (CODA) is a free group which meets in many places around the country. Find a meeting here. (Click Here)

Make recovery a first priority. Co-dependency is insidious; you may recognize yourself in the symptoms, but then deny their importance, or deny that they apply to you after all. You may decide to change, and then time after time, find yourself doing the same old things. Making recovery a first priority means outlining your destructive behaviors, finding alternative behaviors, and then implementing them! It means seeking support, challenging yourself, talking with others about changing, and then changing!

Stop managing and controlling others. This is a big challenge, but an important one. Here you stop telling the other what to do, how to live, what is wrong – or right! – with him or her. You stop intervening, helping, advising, trying to make things better, trying to fix it, and trying to force a solution. You simply stop. You allow this other person to make his or her own decisions, for right or for wrong, you let them live their own life. This includes taking responsibility for their own mistakes, their future, their unhappiness, their issues and their own growth.

Read some books. Melodie Beattie and Pia Mellody are two of my favorite authors in the field. I have book suggestions on my website. (Click Here)

COPYRIGHT (C) 2008 SEVIN PHILIPS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Vows for Intentional Relationships

Having clear intentions is vital for a healthy relationship. Although vows are usually exclusive to union ceremonies, a new growing breed of conscious people are creating and practicing these vows at any stage of a relationship. If you are currently in a relationship sit down with your partner and re-examine what you want from each other. For those of you who are looking for that special person use these vows to help crystallize what kind of relationship you want.

The vows below are created from observing relationship successes and challenges in my work as a therapist. I hope this list will inspire you to create relationship vows in your life that are nourishing and fulfilling.

~I vow to enrich my personal life with enjoyable activities outside of the relationship and use this nourishment to deepen our connection.

~I vow to always be respectful to you. If I feel I cannot uphold this, I vow to walk away until I can be respectful.

~I vow to stand by you when I see your life getting hard.

~I vow to create and protect quality time for us to spend together every week.*

~I vow to encourage and inspire you to find and fulfill your life’s work.

~I vow to respect your need for outside friendship and support.

~I vow to let go of my need to be right.*

~I vow to share my deep, innermost thoughts & fears with you, exposing all & holding
nothing back, so that you may know who I truly am.

~I vow to share my appreciation for the little things you do that give our relationship great meaning.

~I vow to tell you when I’m scared, choosing vulnerability over anger.

~I vow to ask for your support when I’m in need of help, and I vow to acknowledge the reality that you cannot read my mind…EVER.

~I vow to not take our companionship for granted as the long years roll by.

~I vow to be appreciative, open, and curious about our sexual connection. I vow to regularly discuss our present sex life, whether it be fantastic, boring, physically painful, or nonexistent.*

~I vow to be present with you when you want my attention, and when I cannot be present, I vow to tell you this.

~I vow to clearly and respectfully communicate when I’ve had a hard day and want time alone. I vow to use this time to take care of myself so that I do not take my daily stresses out on you.

~I vow to be honest in all my affairs with you, even when it is difficult for me to do so.

~I vow to return to my original vows when I fall short in my intentions.*

* I find these vows powerfully effective in building strong , loving, changing, “we’ve come a long way, baby” relationships.

COPYRIGHT (C) 2008 SEVIN PHILIPS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

The Magic of Appreciation

In order to build more satisfying relationships with the people around you, make a conscious effort to express more gratitude, appreciation, delight, affirmation, and encouragement. Appreciation is a form of magic and using it has awesome effects for both the recipient and the giver.

Because life continually requires us to attend to problems and breakdowns, it gets very easy to see in life only what is broken and needs to be fixed. Satisfying relationships and a happy life require us to notice and respond to what is delightful, excellent, enjoyable, to a job well done, to a meal well cooked, etc.

It is the ongoing expression of gratitude and appreciation that makes a relationship strong enough to accommodate differences and disagreements when they come along. Healthy relationships need a core of mutual appreciation.

Expressing appreciation is probably the most powerful and rewarding practice you can bring into a relationship. I invite you to take notice of the incredible ways you are supported by those around you. Pay special attention to those who have continually supported you over the years. It is very common to grow accustom to getting support and in doing so special effort goes unnoticed.

If you want more magic in your life try practicing appreciation for a week. Notice how the gratitude affects you, the other and the relationship. Your experience will show you that there is magic in the world and it can be found in the smallest of things.

A Definition of Magic: Possessing distinctive qualities that produce unaccountable or baffling effects

COPYRIGHT (C) 2008 SEVIN PHILIPS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Breaking down the cycle of self-hate (Gentleness/Acceptance)

Deep down many believe that there is something inherently wrong with them. We spend time trying to pinpoint these flaws, and then judge them once they are found. We hate ourselves for being flawed, and attempt to eradicate these flaws by punishing ourselves. We act out this self-hate with a plethora of defeating behaviors which include, drugs, alcohol, over/under eating, watching to much TV, proclaiming our flaws to those around us or by turning our backs to the love that is available. Once we act-out this self defeating behavior we add more fuel to the fire and have more reason to dislike ourselves.

The cycle of self-hate is cause for much suffering. When we believe we are flawed, we act out in self defeating behavior, thereby reinforcing our flawed nature and the cycle continues. This cycle needs to stop if we are to be happy and free

In past articles I have explored some of the origins of our negative beliefs. Although knowing who has fed us these lies about our nature may be important it is not essential to changing our life. If we are willing to challenge our core beliefs lets start with an intention.

Are you willing to consider the possibility that your essential nature is good and unflawed?

This doesn’t mean we have to believe it now, just consider the possibility. Keep in mind that being inherently good does not preclude us from undergoing difficult times. Feeling lost or scared and reacting unfavorable to difficult situations is just a part of the human experience, not proof of the wrongness in us. There is nothing wrong with us. Life is just full of experiences, both pleasant and hard. We may amend any harm we have done, pick up our intention to be kind and practice some more. There is no perfection, only practice.

For those of us willing to consider the possibility here are some suggestions to practice:

· Practice gentleness. Have compassion for yourself and others as we get caught up in the cycle of self-hate. Be gentle with yourself even when you act out in self-defeating behavior. Know that you are suffering and need healing, not criticism.

· Find a teacher or mentor who can mirror your innate goodness to you.

· Challenge your beliefs by examining your experience as it is, and not as you believe it to be.

· Accept yourself as you are now, not who you think you should be. Healing is a process and happens over time.

· Foster the relationships and communities that support you and be willing to let go of the ones that don’t

Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFTI

Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco

http://sftherapy.org/

COPYRIGHT (C) 2008 SEVIN PHILIPS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

That crazy committee in my head (The nature of mind)

Most of us have examined our minds and found a rough and ragged chatter that seems endless. That crazy committee in our head is getting together for our benefit, but in the end brings us more suffering than clarity. The mind is an incredible tool. You can balance a check book, figure out distance on a map or pull apart today’s most abstract political issue. Yet this tool has taken over as master of the house, trying to make decisions better left to intuition or the heart. This craziness in our heads is the cause of much suffering.

The mind is much like a computer it can take in data, crunch numbers and weight the pros and cons. The mind is great for the checkbook, but not so great for making decisions about life, love and relationships. A checkbook is black or white, whereas most things heart related are somewhere in the gray. Most things in life are in this gray area. Yet the committee in your head, like a computer, views gray area like an unsolvable puzzle it keeps trying to solve.

So let’s throw out this unwanted master of the house and use the mind as a tool. Yet you will find this a most difficult task. Our fear is behind the wheel driving this crazy committee and that makes it a tough nut to crack. We are afraid of the things that have not yet happened, but which if they did might bring us pain, suffering or some other discomfort. Here lies a sad irony. We want to be happy and at peace with ourselves. Yet the very nature of fear makes us anxious in the present and not at peace. Nevertheless the committee continues to fill our head with thoughts.

Beyond being mindful you may find these practices worth the effort:

Be willing to not know.

After your mind has weighed in the pros and cons of a situation for a short period of time, let the committee take a lunch break. Most clarity and creativity comes from empty space. All great masterpieces are born of a blank canvas.

Be patient.

It usually takes time for the next indicated step or appropriate choice to be made. Slowing down is a good way to assure important details are not skipped.

Ask and listen.

Most of us are good at asking questions like, “What’s the best thing to do?” But are we willing to listen for the answer? Listening to God, your inner-self, or to the advice of a good friend requires some skill. Focus on listening and you may find the answer waiting for you.

Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFTI

Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco

http://sftherapy.org/

COPYRIGHT (C) 2008 SEVIN PHILIPS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Break the cycle of reactional living (Meditation; Mindfulness)

The holidays are ripe with obligations. As the calendar fills to the brim, you may start feeling overbooked and overwhelmed. When you get scared or are in a hurry your mind tends to speed up. When you speed up you become disconnected with the present, or disconnected with the way things really are in any given moment. In this disjointed state you are reacting to life and lose the ability to make choices. You may think you are making choices, but actually you are existing on auto-pilot. Reactionary living causes so much suffering. You tend to say and do things that you regret later. One way to break the cycle of reactionary living is through the practice of mindfulness.

Mindfulness is also known as meditation. There are many, many forms of mindfulness and meditation. One example of mindfulness is to mentally give a verbal label to each in-breath and out-breath. So, each time you breathe in, you think (e.g.) “rising”, and each time you breathe out, you think “falling”. In this type of meditation, the breath serves as a tether to bring your awareness back to the present moment.

You will notice the mind continually chattering with commentary or judgment. By noticing that the mind is continually making commentary, you have the ability to carefully notice those thoughts – and decide if those thought have value. Most often, you will see that “thoughts are just thoughts” – the thoughts themselves have no weight. You become free to release a thought (”let it go”) when you realize that the thought is not concrete reality. You become free to make a choice in any given moment.

I’m inviting you to create or reconnect to a practice of mindfulness. Pay attention to your body when you speed up, breathe and slow down. Reactional living is no way to live a happy life. Be gentle and practice well.

Tip: Write down “breathe” on a piece of paper and put it in the places where you speed up, like your car.

Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFTI

Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco

http://sftherapy.org/

COPYRIGHT (C) 2008 SEVIN PHILIPS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Be yourself, wherever you go

Many of us create masks to wear in different parts of our lives, as exemplified in the saying ‘wearing many hats’. Have you ever wondered why you feel drained of energy? Do you notice that with some people you feel really comfortable and with others it feels like work? Do you find that you play a certain role at work and yet are a totally different person at home? If so, this article is for you.

It requires very little energy to be authentic and genuine. When you are comfortable and relaxed it is easier to be yourself. The inverse is also true, being yourself leads to feeling relaxed and comfortable. If you bring more of your authentic self into the major areas of your life (i.e. work, school, home, communities or social situations) you will find great satisfaction and peace.

Why do we change ourselves in different situations?

· You might feel vulnerable or at-risk if you are being yourself.

· Perhaps you feel you will not be liked, that you won’t be good enough or strong enough to get the job done, or that you might not get your needs met.

· Being yourself may mean letting your guard down, and this doesn’t always feel safe.

· Taking on a role, or being someone else, even if only slightly, may have given you a felt sense of advantage in the past.

· Low-self esteem can lead to feeling like you should be different.

· You may have a story or a should about how to be or how to do something.

None of these are easy to change. Although they may not be desirable, they were created in the past to protect you and can be respected as such.

How being yourself wherever you go can change you…

· Assessing a situation, adjusting your present state of being, and acting in a way that isn’t authentic requires a tremendous amount of energy. You can relax and get all that energy back!

· When you are not being authentic you create a story about who you are. This story needs to be remembered in case you see this person or are in that situation again. Needing to remember keeps you in a state of stress. Letting all this go will relax your body and mind, creating greater health.

· You will have permission to acknowledge your true feelings and act accordingly (i.e. go home, stay, be silent in social situations, or excuse yourself for the time being).

· If someone doesn’t like who you really are, why would you want that person in your life? Being genuine will save you weeks, months or maybe years of wasted relationships that inevitably would fall apart as your true self arises.

· Many times we withhold our darker feelings fearing a negative judgment. Do you ever notice that when someone else shares a vulnerable event you tend to feel closer to that person? When you withhold your genuine experience no one gets to know you. Hence, being yourself allows you to have closer connections.

· Your life will become easier! You will can enjoy and receive more of the abundance that life has to offer.

As always I invite you to be gentle with yourself. Use your curiosity, not your criticism, to examine your life. If this is a reasonable change to make in your life, then begin in a gradual, natural way. You may start by just being aware of how you change in different areas of your life. Make it a fun examination that can lead to making better choices and eventually the freedom of being you, wherever you go.

Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFTI

Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco

http://sftherapy.org/

COPYRIGHT (C) 2008 SEVIN PHILIPS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.